Obesseus vs. Traffic
Obesseus skipped happily down the road with Grant the Grapefruit.
“Grant! Obesseus smell pizza!”
Grant sniffed.
“I think that’s Pepperoni Bridge. Nugget Hut is right across it.”
“Hee hee! Obesseus get nuggets! Maybe pizza! Maybe both!”
The two rounded the corner.
Grant stopped.
“…You’ve got to be kidding me.”
Pepperoni Bridge was completely blocked.
Hundreds of giant traffic cones stretched from one side to the other.
Except these weren’t ordinary traffic cones.
They were enormous vanilla ice cream cones standing upside down.
Some had chocolate-dipped tops.
Others were covered in sprinkles.
Obesseus gasped.
“WHY ICE CREAM STANDING ON HEAD?! ICE CREAM GO IN BELLY!”
A whistle echoed across the bridge.
Captain Calorie Counter marched into view wearing a bright orange safety vest and holding an oversized stop sign.
“Bridge closed!”
Grant looked around.
“I don’t see any construction.”
“There isn’t any.”
“So…why is it closed?”
Captain Calorie Counter smiled proudly.
“I closed it.”
“You…just decided to?”
“I wanted everyone to experience a healthier commute.”
Grant slowly rubbed his temples.
“I’m afraid to ask.”
Captain Calorie Counter unfolded a gigantic detour map.
“You’ll simply take this route.”
Grant followed the red line with his finger.
“…This goes straight through the Salad Syndicate camp.”
“Correct.”
“The camp that catapults kale?”
“Yes.”
“The camp that hands out celery?”
“Exactly.”
“The camp that forces visitors to attend motivational lectures about spinach?”
Captain Calorie Counter beamed.
“Attendance is mandatory.”
Obesseus looked horrified.
“NOOOO! Obesseus no want leaf people! Leaf people make tummy cry!”
A family of French fries walked up.
“We’re just trying to get across the bridge.”
“Detour!” Captain Calorie Counter shouted.
A meatball rolled forward.
“I’ve crossed this bridge every day for forty years.”
“Detour!”
A pizza delivery scooter pulled up.
“My customer’s pizza is getting cold.”
Captain Calorie Counter nodded with satisfaction.
“Excellent.”
Grant whispered, “He’s enjoying this.”
“I noticed.”
Captain Calorie Counter revealed another sign.
EXPECTED DELAY: 6 HOURS
Grant stared.
“The bridge is thirty feet long.”
“The detour includes two salad checkpoints, one kale inspection, and a mandatory lecture called Learning to Appreciate Plain Lettuce.”
Obesseus looked ready to cry.
“Captain bad! Captain steal pizza time! Captain steal nugget time! Captain steal HAPPY!”
Captain Calorie Counter folded his arms.
“Rules are rules.”
Obesseus suddenly smiled.
“Hee hee…”
Grant recognized that smile immediately.
“Oh no.”
Obesseus reached into his pocket.
“Hee hee… Pocket rice ball!”
He tossed the rice ball high into the air.
Within seconds…
Hundreds of hungry Snackland pigeons swooped from the sky.
They ignored the rice ball.
Instead…
They began devouring every single ice cream cone traffic marker.
Crunch!
Crunch!
Crunch!
Chocolate.
Vanilla.
Sprinkles.
Gone.
Captain Calorie Counter’s eyes grew wider with every disappearing cone.
“My traffic control system!”
One pigeon politely licked the last sprinkle off the pavement.
Without the cones, everyone simply walked across Pepperoni Bridge.
The French fries cheered.
The meatball rolled across.
The pizza delivery scooter sped away.
Nobody even glanced toward the Salad Syndicate camp.
Captain Calorie Counter collapsed onto the bridge.
“My beautiful detour…”
Obesseus skipped past carrying a pizza in one hand and a bucket of nuggets in the other.
“Hee hee! Obesseus win! Captain lose! Traffic all gone! Belly say thank you!”
Grant laughed.
“I have no idea how you keep solving problems with food.”
Obesseus grinned.
“Food solve LOTS problem.”
Captain Calorie Counter sighed.
“I’ll just block the bridge again tomorrow.”
Obesseus smiled even bigger.
“Hee hee! Then Obesseus bring MORE birdies!”
As the heroes disappeared into Snackland, Captain Calorie Counter quietly put up one final sign.
ROAD CLOSED FOR EXCESSIVE FUN
A passing squirrel looked at the sign…
…picked it up…
…and used it as a picnic table.