Obesseus entered the school cafeteria like it was a sacred buffet hall.

It was not.

The lights flickered. Trays clattered. Somewhere, a tater tot screamed.

Obesseus grabbed a lunch tray.

The tray immediately bowed under the weight of expectation.

He approached the menu board.

TODAY’S LUNCH

Mystery Meat

Vegetable Side

Milk

Obesseus leaned in close.

“…Why meat have secrets.”

Behind the counter, Lunch Lady Patty squinted.

“One scoop only.”

Obesseus nodded.

“Understood.”

He watched as she dropped a tiny gray cube onto his plate.

The cube landed with a sound like regret.

Obesseus poked it.

It didn’t move.

He poked it harder.

It squeaked.

“…Meat make noise,” he whispered.

The vegetable side followed—an aggressively green pile that smelled like gym class.

Obesseus recoiled so hard his tray tilted, launching the milk carton into the air.

It hit a kid.

The kid accepted his fate.

Suddenly—

WHOOOOOP!

Captain Calorie Counter slid across the floor on his knees, blowing a whistle.

“BALANCED MEAL ALERT!”

He pointed at the tray. “Portion-controlled protein! Mandatory vegetables! Regulated joy!”

The cafeteria groaned.

Obesseus clutched his plate.

“Why lunch feel like punishment.”

Captain Calorie Counter adjusted his glasses. Numbers appeared in the air.

“That meal is exactly 430 calories.”

Obesseus gasped.

“ONLY 430?! What is this—snack?”

The bell rang. Kids sat down.

Obesseus took one bite of the mystery meat.

CRUNCH.

His eyes widened.

“…WHY MEAT HAVE BONES.”

The vegetable touched the meat.

Obesseus screamed.

He jumped onto the lunch table, trays sliding everywhere like dominoes.

“ATTENTION SCHOOL!”

Silence.

“Obesseus demand answers! Why milk warm? Why fork bend? Why pizza look sad on Fridays?”

Captain Calorie Counter shouted, “SIT DOWN OR I’LL MEASURE YOUR WAISTLINE!”

That was the mistake.

Obesseus lifted the tray.

The tray SNAPPED IN HALF.

Chaos erupted.

Milk cartons exploded. Tater tots rolled like marbles. Someone slipped and yelled, “IT’S EVERYWHERE!”

Obesseus sighed, sat back down, and calmly reached into his pocket.

He pulled out his emergency cheeseburger.

Wrapped in foil.

Still warm.

Captain Calorie Counter shrieked. “THAT IS NOT SCHOOL APPROVED!”

Obesseus took a bite.

“School lunch teach Obesseus important lesson,” he said wisely.

Lunch Lady Patty leaned in. “What’s that?”

Obesseus nodded.

“Always pack backup. And never trust meat with secrets.”

The bell rang.

The milk carton remained untouched.