Obesseus wasn’t afraid of much.

Villains?

He slammed them.

Buffet lines?

He demolished them.

But the grocery store on a Saturday afternoon?

That was a battlefield.

Still, the hero of Snackland needed supplies for the week—mostly gravy, biscuits, chocolate milk, and “emergency biscuits.”

As Obesseus marched into the store, the automatic doors opened dramatically (and then jammed halfway because Obesseus tried to walk through too quickly).

Aisle 1: The Produce Zone (Danger Level: HIGH)

The moment he turned the corner, Gregory Green Onion popped up from behind a stack of lettuce.

“YOU AGAIN?” Gregory shouted.

Obesseus hissed like a cat.

“VEGGIES! OBESSEUS NO LIKEY!”

Gregory tried to throw a head of broccoli at him, but Obesseus swatted it away with a loaf of French bread like a baseball bat.

Broccoli exploded everywhere.

Children clapped.

Adults recorded it.

Grant the Grapefruit arrived five minutes late, as usual.

Aisle 4: The Gravy Shelves (Holy Land)

Obesseus approached his favorite aisle the way kings approached treasure.

He whispered, “Obesseus home…”

He began collecting jars of gravy—one, two, five, twelve—until the shelf physically groaned like it was about to file a workplace complaint.

Professor Math appeared beside him, holding a calculator.

“You realize,” he said, adjusting his glasses, “this is enough gravy for three winters.”

Obesseus shrugged.

“Obesseus hungry.”

Professor Math scribbled something on a notepad labeled Gravy Consumption Formula v2 and sighed.

Aisle 9: The Biscuit Section

A mother reached for the last box of flaky-layer biscuits.

Obesseus froze.

The mother froze.

The biscuits sparkled dramatically under the fluorescent lights.

It was destiny.

“Um… do you want these?” the mother asked nervously.

Obesseus nodded slowly, trying not to drool.

The woman handed him the box.

Obesseus bowed respectfully like a noble warrior.

She whispered to her kids, “We do NOT come here on Saturdays anymore.”

Checkout Chaos

Obesseus’ cart was piled so high with food it looked like a miniature mountain.

The cashier stared.

“…Sir, do you have a rewards card?”

Obesseus blinked.

“What is rewards?”

“You earn points.”

Obesseus gasped.

“POINTS?? LIKE VIDEO GAME??”

The cashier nodded, and Obesseus instantly branded himself a loyal customer for life.

Gregory Green Onion tried to pick a fight at self-checkout, but Obesseus threw a package of chocolate chip cookies at him and ended it quickly.

Victory Lap

Obesseus exited the store triumphantly, pushing the cart through the parking lot like a conquering emperor.

He had:

• 17 jars of gravy
• 12 boxes of biscuits
• 6 jugs of chocolate milk
• 3 emergency pizzas
• 0 vegetables (victory)

He raised one fist to the sky.

“OBESSEUS FEAST TONIGHT!”

The parking lot applauded.

Grant the Grapefruit finally arrived.